Sir Albert Map-Nolan created arguably the most famous and impressive Dick of all time when he wrote the many adventure stories concerning John Holmes.The Hound of the Nolan's is one of his most famous works mainly because it has been immortalised on TV and XXX film.
Map-Nolan was a very serious and out spoken person and was particularly enraged by public lack of concern over the Bore war in Widnes. He spoke of this in his published letters, while working as a shithouse cleaner in south Widnes . His reference to boring rugby ball heads and leathered up weirdo wife bashing bastards highlighted his anguish of working with inbreeds and bell ends. While on safari in south Widnes, he discovered the widia- mong tribe, an aggressive black hating misogynistic group of people whom at first wanted to "Knock him out". Fearing for his life, he offered to buy a round of drinks in the Hammer and Pincers public house and so appeased they decided to let him live - for the time being. He eventually managed to escape their wrath by pretending to enjoy rugby and talking shite.
The story begins with the meeting between Dr Whore, John Holmes and Dr Slag, where the former anxiously narrates the legend of the Hound of the Nolan's and the recent death of Sir Charles "Charlie cokehead " Nolan. A second meeting occurs at Barkers Street with Dr Whore and Sir Henry Nolan - the heir to Nolan hall and the Nolan fortune. John Holmes agrees at this meeting to take the case on, for a small fee of two hundred leg overs and wheel barrow full of coke. He despatches Dr Slag off with Sir Henry and Dr Whore to Runcorn, promising he will follow Slag down to Runcorn as soon as he concludes having a massive dump and a five hour knee trembler with Mrs Doyle the housekeeper.
Sir Henry's servant 'Barrymore' ( no relation to Barrymore - all white not any more - the shirt lifter with dead bodies in his swimming pool but like his names sake was Hotel /Motel )and his boyfriend, are very enigmatic and act suspicious. It is later discovered that an escaped Plumber prowling on the estate is related to them and they are harbouring him in the swimming pool shed. Barrymore is caught performing a dogging act for the plumber from one of the windows and he and his boyfriend are made to undress for a gay threesome.
The Barkers - neighbours of Sir Henrys - are the only suspects. Sir Henry is infatuated by Barkers unattractive wife who he assumes is Barkers sister and starts courting her. He is subsequently invited to dinner at Veggie Hell manor.
Later on Dr slag discovers a prowler on the estate who turns out to be John Holmes. Holmes tells slag that he has been hiding on the estate for the last few days, and he knows whom the killer is.
The myth of the hound is put to rest, as John Holmes explains the mystery to Slag .The hound is actually a sex starved Nolan kept by Barker and feed on live guinea pigs and organic produce.
The Plumber is killed by the hound, while being chased by Holmes and slag across the Runcorn Bridge. This was just as well because if they had crossed it, they would have been eaten alive by the widi mong tribe. The hound escapes by jumping over the side of the bridge where it lands upon a ship haboured on the Manchester Shit canal.It's then mistaken for a bit of old rough and earns ten robels for personal services to Russian sailors.
The hound is later shot dead by Dr slag when he and Sir Henry are returning home from dinning at the barkers.Slag obviously needed a bit of real meat to take away the taste of the Orrible organic vegetables and feggy mince, so he shot the hound and eat it with a nice chanti. Barker then runs off for a shit in the Castlefields mire to conserve flushing a couple of litres of water down the pan. His hopeless attempt to save the planet from global warming is counteracted because at the same moment ICI dump 15 million tonnes of toxic effluent into the Mersey. Dr slag, John Holmes and a Lesbian from stroud pursue barker into the mire. They eventually give up the chase and Barker is presumed to have been devoured by his own shit or the mire. Dr slag and sir Henry feel a veggie spud brewing and urgently rush back to Nolan Hall accompanied by Holmes.
Back at Nolan hall Barrymore's Niece is in the casa de shithouse having her hour-long weekly soak in the tub and both slag and Sir Henry have to shit in the back garden on the roses. Holmes, i'm affraid has a little accident and requires a change of skids.
Beryl Barker was indeed a rancid old brass . Her long matted dark hair streamed over her hairy shoulders, her face was orrible with large brown spots, eyes like piss holes in snow , her lips sensuously curved like a gorillas. She was not like the pale white looking women - on crack- you would pass in the streets of Runcorn. Her skin was a brown false tan colour like the ones you see in benidorm or Liverpool discos. Her short fat unshapely body had obviously attracted many an old pissed perv's eye and millions of pie dinners.
She was a useless wife and would do anything her husband asked of her. Even if it meant pretending to be his sister and not his wife to entice Sir Henry but when it come to assisting him in murder she wanted hard cash and she wanted up front. Her unwillingness to help her husband in the act of murder was apparent in page 85 when she tried to warn Dr slag - mistaking him for Sir Henry and again in the last chapter when her husband bound and gagged her in one of the rooms at their home( although she didn't mind this). Although she loved him for his money he treated her badly and gave her beatings with the ugly stick- regularly.He was just using her as tool to acquire the Nolan fortune and she was blind drunk most of the time to his wicked plans.
Jack Barker was a man in his mid thirties or early seventies . He was short, slim and had fair coloured hair. His eyes were grey and his clean-shaven face enhanced his sharp features. He was the illegitimate son of Roger Nolan III a cad and a southerner and had invested his inheritance in a whorehouse in Chester just by the cathedral, £25 for a bell end polish( see ref MAR23561C : Diary of Mark Curtis age 25- shagging an old brass ) . He lost all his money, when three boys had died from a mysterious diseases and knob rot. They were cremated because they couldn't get the coffin lids closed. With his inheritance gone he now used his deviant mind to scheme up a plan to claim Nolan Hall and the Nolan Fortune.
He was a desperate man who cruelly beat his wife but she had had it coming and deceived Mrs Lovelace - with the aid of a machine gun- into divorcing her husband on a promise he would marry her. He had planned the murder of Sir Charles Nolan and heartlessly used Mrs Lovelace as the bait for his trap knowing that Sir Charles was a charitable and honourable man, who would come to her assistance especially after seeing what she did in those filthy movies - the dirty slapper. Sir Charles is coaxed into the local cinema with Mrs Lovelace and Beryl where he dies of a heart attack in a freak ski-ing accident on the back row of the pictures.
When John Holmes questioned the acne faced driver to find out who the mysterious man was who was following Dr slag and Sir Henry, the drivers reply was' he said his name was John Holmes.( Ye !but did you check is dick). Holmes knew then he was dealing with a man who was slippery as a butchers cock.This man was no other than Jack Barker. Barker was an intelligent man (allegedly) and although he had previous criminal activities he had been too clever to get caught. After all no one would suspect him a bell end whom lived with his alleged sister, a deserted whore.
In the beginning of the book an air of excrement is generated with the 'Legend of the Hound of the Nolans' told by Dr Slag and one is expecting a horrifying novel to unveil itself plus lots of unadulterated sex. Unfortunately, this does not happen. The man whom supposedly is the main character in the novel 'John Holmes' only appears in the first three chapters ( the shagging ones) and the last two( the orgy ones)and then only for a few minutes.It would seem more appropriate to call the book 'The Adventures of Dr slag or slags'. It his he who is seen to be the main character when reading the book but this might be due to the fact that Albert map Nolan is more able to relate to the Dr Slag character having himself also been a complete arsehole.
The landscape and characters are described very well. It is quiet easy to picture the fat arse of Berly Barker and desolation of scummy Runcorn. The continuous dialogue adds verbal faculties-Fuck off- to the novel enabling the reader to follow the story better making it appear more like a play than a piece of filth. The story moves very fast and some of the characters are quickly passed by without much description.The most disappointing part of the book is the beginning, middle and end. The last chapter is ineptly rushed , and the so-called Nolan hellhound is shot with a very long flesh coated pistol within seconds of appearing on the scene "sounds just like a john Holmes movie". John Holmes 'The Great dick' allows the villain to escape under assumption he was off for a shit but after being fed at veggie hell manor that would be elementary my dear Watson you slag .
Buy the whole story on CD narrated by David Rose Price £1.99.
I give it three eggs wibble wobble wibble wobble wibbly wobbly shit.
Jonathon woss is a wight woser, lisp talking sack of dog shit I give him one egg - right up his arse-the fucking freak.He'd be on the fucking dole if he had balls like Russel Brand and he's a fucking half-wit.
Date : 2nd feb 2009. copyright@ Nolan-industries.com