Fatman's
guide to understanding wine origins
THE EXPERT
Wine colour.
Red wine can only be
made from black grapes. The colour comes from the skin, if the skins are removed
the wine will be white. Green grapes produce white wine only. Rose wine is made
by leaving the skins in for a short period or by the blending of red and
white.
Type.
Sweet, medium and dry
refers to taste in relation to sugar content left after fermentation. Dry being
unsweetened.
Classification.
FATMAN’S
Wine colour
Reddish with what can
only be described as bits of slug scum floating down the side. Whitish with bits
of the same slug scum creeping down the side and what looks like decaying
frogspawn floating of the bottom.
Rose wine is made by
blending reddish with whitish to give shittyish.
Type
Sweet, medium and dry.
Sweet caused by unfermented sugar and not reading instructions properly.
Classification by type
FATMAN STYLE
Type
Colour
Comment
|
Night of the
Demon |
Red |
Morning of all day
shithouse. Damson flavour. Poison can cause bowel and organ movement. |
|
Hallam
University |
Red |
Acidic student
Piss goes well with an old brass and a gram Charlie though. |
|
Black Cherry |
Red |
Soft fruity/nutty
like the inside of a squashed road kill squirrel. |
|
Red witch |
Red |
Fruity
blackberry.being used as a flavouring for poor quality meat or veggie
meat. |
|
Pineapple |
White |
Acidic unknown.
Still got complete stock. None starter need to give it to a wino or colin
Nolan wine guinea pig |
|
Elderberry |
Red |
Slimy yuk with
bits floating in it. could pass it off as a merlot to unsuspecting guests.
|
|
Scarecrow |
Red |
Like kind of scary
acidic fruity bat shit. Too scared to drink it |
|
Bilberry |
Red |
Unknown could be a
winner. Waiting results from Tom& jenny but don’t expect much joy |
|
Halloween
Special |
Red |
Mysterious acidic
but when the mystery over the shitting starts should be called “eye of the
needle” |
|
Chardonnay |
White |
out of stock. I
drank it; it was nice tasty bit kit wine. No bits no side effects |
Classification
by type PROFESSIONAL STUFF
|
Table wine |
With meal. Drunk
by the middle classes in the hope that people will see how sophisticated
they look when they get smashed and start talking about the life of Bryon
- A Monty python film. |
|
Liqueurs |
After meal i.e.
Port with cigars and posh birds.Goes well with fast car talk, Jeremy
Clarkson drunk a bottle of port in 0-60 secs, he’s got loads of torque,
all shit. Lanky prick. |
|
Desert wine |
With sweet or
pudding. Gay person pre-bumming and snogging tipple. Not for the faint
hearted or straight People.
Christopher biggins favourite drink just before bed laced with a couple of
Viagra tabs. |
|
Mead |
Anytime, before,
during and after meal. Stuff that made knights shit themselves and where
the saying “cast iron stomach” comes from.
|
|
Champagne |
Traditional
celebration drink for rich show offs and wankers. Thrown at ships to test
sea worthiness by
royalty. |
|
Aperitif |
Before
meal-Sherry. what old ladies & vicars drink to get cabbaged. |
Fortification
professionals.
Increase alcohol content
by spirit volume.
Fortification
fatman.
A bit like what
Carlsberg did with special brew. Bump up the alcohol content comatose the
drinkers.
International variety
of grape professionals.
Wines
originate by reputation from France, Germany and Italy. French wines are
associated with the province of Bordeaux and burgundy.
National variety of
fruit fatman.
Wines
originate by reputation from people backyards, down by the Manchester ship canal
and the posh variety by the Shropshire Union canal. Shit wines are associated
with the province of the sewer farm just by the Manchester ship canal.
Red wine
professional
Cabernet sauvignon a
variety of grape with roots in Bordeaux, is also an international variety grown
in California, chile, Bulgaria and Australia. Cabernet sauvignon is not a place
in France; it’s a grape variant.
Red wine fatman
Night of the demon a
variety of damson and has roots in Chester. It is not grown anywhere else
because it tastes like shit. Hallam Uni has roots in Derbyshire but is nothing
to do with the scumbag uni of the same name.
White wine
professional
Chardonnay a variety of
grape with roots in burgundy is predominately white but can be rose or pink by
blending. It is internationally grown worldwide.
White wine fatman
Chardonnay is a nice bit
of kit that I drank before it had time to settle in the bottle- not for export.
Pineapple wine has roots growing out the cork and needs pouring down a winos
neck. Pissing in it could enhance it the flavour.
Table of red/white
classification
Type
Colour
Comment
|
Cabernet
sauvignon |
Red |
Full bodied
blackcurrant |
|
Merlot |
Red |
Fruity |
|
Pinot Noir |
Red or white |
Soft fruity |
|
Syrah |
Red |
Fruity blackberry
|
|
Sauvignon blanc |
White |
Acidic green
vegetal |
|
Riesling |
White |
Peachy |
|
Muscat |
White |
Sparkling grapey
|
|
Gewurztraminer |
White |
Spicy exotic
fruity |
|
Semillon |
White |
Sweet |
|
Chardonnay |
White |
Buttery |
FATMANS RECIPE
5LB OF DAMSONS
1 LITRE OF RED GRAPE JUICE
2 GALLONS OF WATER
1 TEASPOON OF YEAST
NUTRIENT
1 SACHET OF YEAST
3 LEMONS
½ TEASPOON OF PECTIN ADDITIVE
STAGE 1.FIRST STAGE JUST TO RELEASE PECTINS TO STOP WINE
GELLING UP
ADD 1 GALLON OF BOILING WATER
TO 5LB OF DAMSONS – COOL TO 70 C THEN ADD PECTIN LEAVE FOR 48 HOURS.
STAGE 2. SECOND STAGE FERMENTATION OF MUST
ADD 1 GALLON OF BOILING WATER –
COOL TO 70 C THEN ADD LEMONS, YEAST NUTRIENT, YEAST, TEA AND GRAPE JUICE <
RECIPE NEEDED 6LB S OF DAMSONS ADD GRAPE JUICE TO COMPENSATE >.
ADD 500ML OF BLACKCURRENT
CONCENTRATE TO GIVE BODY.
*********ABOVE CAUSED ALL SORTS
OF PROBLEMS*********
LEAVE FOR 4-5 DAYS TO
FERMENT.
TRANSFER TO DEMIJOHN’S FOR SECONDARY FERMENTATION THIS
SHOULD MAKE 2 GALLONS EASY
APPEARANCE
DARK REDDISH WITH ORRIBLE FLOATIES
TASTE
RESULTING WINE TASTED LIKE
BLACKCURRENT CORDIAL –SHITE AND POISONED ANYONE WHO DRANK IT!
COSTS
DAMSONS FREE
GRAPE JUICE 80 PENCE
LEMONS 45
PENCE
BLACKCURRENT JUICE
60 PENCE
YEAST 80 PENCE
YEAST NUTRIENT 20
PENCE
TOTAL £2.85 =
23 PENCE A BOTTLE @ 12 BOTTLES
FATMANS PINEAPPLE WINE
RECIPE
2lbs OF PINEAPPLE
TINNED/FRESH
2 LITRES OF PINEAPPLE JUICE
2 LITRES OF WATER
1 TEASPOON OF YEAST
NUTRIENT
1 SACHET OF YEAST
3 LEMONS
½ TEASPOON OF PECTIN ADDITIVE
TOP UP WITH GRAPEFRIUT JUICE
DURING FERMENTATION ½ LITRE TO MAKE 1 GALLON
APPEARANCE
**********TURNED OUT LIKE MURCKY PISS WITH JIZZ FLOATING IN IT******************************** *****
TASTE
***********WHAT WINE TASTED
LIKE WE WILL NEVER KNOW, COS NO ONE WOULD DRINK IT!***************
COSTS
SUGAR
0
.85
PINEAPPLE
JUICE
1. 60 PENCE
LEMONS
0.45 PENCE
PINEAPPLE
TINNED
1.00 PENCE
YEAST
80 PENCE
YEAST
NUTRIENT
20 PENCE
TOTAL £4.90 =
81p A BOTTLE @ 6 BOTTLES
Ingredients : -
3 lb ripe damsons
3 lb sugar
6 pts cold water
pectic enzyme
campden tablet
gp wine yeast
yeast nutrients
Ingredients :-
3 lb ripe damsons
3 lb sugar
1 gallon cold water
pectic enzyme
campden tablets
gp wine yeast
yeast nutrients
Instructions :
Damson wine (Country
summer style)
Damson wine recipe 2 of
2
Ingredients :-
3 lb ripe
damsons
3 lb sugar
pectic enzyme
gp wine yeast
yeast nutrients Instructions
:
Method 1
Pour 2 pints boiling water over 21b
of damsons and leave 24 hours, strain off and add to a Beaverdale 1gall wine
Shiraz kit with a teaspoon of pectolase and 8oz sugar.
Damson 2 Full
Bodied
4lb Damsons
1.5kg sugar
1 tsp citric acid
1 tsp
pectolase
yeast nutrient
Yeast- Gervin no 2 is ideal.
These
fruits have a great flavour but don't boil or soak them too
long.
Pour 2 pints boiling water over the fruit and leave
overnight.
Next day add 4 pints cold water, and everything else.
Leave 24
hours and strain off. Do not squeeze too much!
Pour into a demi john
Leave until it stops frothing(about 2 days) and fill up with cold water to
the shoulder of the demi john.
Ferment out as normal, when it stops
fermenting( bubbles stop) siphon off into a clean dem-john and add a
campden tablet and a potassium sorbate tablet. .
Leave about a month if it
doesn't clear, add finings and another campden tablet.
CURSE OF DAMSON LABEL IS A COPYRIGHT OF NOLAN WINE INDUSTRY
